Two Sides of Death
by ChiBi HenTAi AnGeL
Summary: So sad! No not really - but it's ten years later and a certain birthday comes up. Shinji+Kaworu pairing
1. release

Kitty Kasumi - my own brother goes off and writes a S+K fic without me, huh? I'll show him!  
  
Kasumi's Guardian Dragon - *you* go right ahead, I presume *you* won't need me, then.  
  
Kitty Kasumi - oh, but I *do* need you! #MWAH# ^.^  
  
Disclaimer - we don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion, and you probably don't either.  
  
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10 years after the series  
  
Today is a public holiday - the 25th anniversary of Second Impact. It is neither a joyous nor a mournful occasion - it is just there. 13th of September - such an innocent date for some, but for the generation before me, it is a time of remembrance, of all the lives lost.  
  
Misato-san, she had lost her father because of Second Impact - he had died protecting her. She had never loved him until that moment. When she had finally loved him, it was too late. She had also lost her one true heart - Ryoji Kaji, although not on this date. She had used him for an escape from her world, she had been afraid to come close to him. Now he is no longer here - yet is always in her heart.  
  
I don't want to get up. I don't want to awaken. I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to remember. I don't want to endure this unrecognizable pain any longer. It has lodged in my heart ever since he disappeared from my life. I just want a release...  
  
It's his birthday today. No, I don't want to remember. I can't stop thinking about him. I find it ironic - my father, he was in my life for so long, and yet he is dead and I cannot care less. But he was in my life for two days, and has remained in my head, or is it my heart, forever.  
  
The weather is enjoyable - no longer does it follow my moods, for I anything but. NERV is still running, and I am now my father. We do not get the day off; we are now the ones who carry NERV and all its secrets. The ones before us are dismissed, told to forget. How can anyone forget?  
  
Asuka Langley Sohryu - she is now Misato-san. She hates the Angels. She hates me. She hates me for falling in love with him. But she is professional - she is cold, cruel, and precise in her calculation and work. The compassion in the position is now gone. She is Major Langley Sohryu.  
  
Rei Ayanami - she is now Ritsuko. She is of two bloods. She is my sister - she does not like seeing me in this pain. She knows. She is also his sister. She is not like Asuka, she is not like herself from the time before. She is more humane towards others; she feels others' pain - because she has felt it herself. She is Dr. Ayanami.  
  
Toji Suzuhara - he is now Shigeru Aoba. He has recovered quickly. He has told me that he has forgiven me for the attack. He thinks that it is not my fault. He has two loves in his life - his little sister, also recovered, and Hikari Horaki. He is Lt. Suzuhara.  
  
Kensuke Aida - he is now Makoto Hyuga. He does not mind carrying the awful truths and secrets of NERV. He is competent at his job. He is in love with Asuka. He is Lt. Aida.  
  
Hikari Horaki - she is now Maya Ibuki. She is here because Toji is here. She has learnt to deal with the MAGI because Kensuke has taught her how. But, like Maya, she cannot deal with the horrors of NERV. I will have to dismiss her, for her own mental good. She is Lt. Horaki.  
  
There is a position vacant - and I wish that he were here to fill it. To be by side and share the burden of NERV and the constant nagging of the old men of SEELE. I wish I knew the dark magic of my father.  
  
Rei told me not to enter for my own good - she did not tell me what was inside. But her face now betrays her emotions; I know what she is hiding. She knows that she is powerless to stop me from entering. I should have listened to her. Although I knew, I should not have entered.  
  
A circular room - this was where Rei was resurrected twice by my father. Her soul was unwilling to return, but my father did it anyway. I wonder constantly how he could do it. There were clones, what seemed to be endless numbers of them. But then Ritsuko had destroyed them all. Ritsuko never knew, but Rei was grateful. Now there are new inhabitants.  
  
I demanded Rei to give me the control. She could not refuse. I still cannot believe I did it. It was déjà vu - the room walls around me turn a glowing yellow-orange. The LCL is awoken - a loud bubbling sound breaks the silence around me. That was not the only thing to have awakened.  
  
The clones. No longer are they of the graceful Rei Ayanami - they are of a teenaged boy, thin and powerfully built, with silver hair now tinted orange by the LCL and eyes of the deepest ruby. Rei would not tell me how they got here, but that is not important to me, so I did not annoy her with it.  
  
The glass - it is cold as I press my palm onto it. The closest to me comes down and presses its palm against the glass as well. I jumped back in utter confusion and elation - could it be.?  
  
"It does not have a soul - it is just mimicking your action."  
  
Rei, standing there with her hands in her pockets - just like Ritsuko. Her voice takes me back to when she was a doll. It causes me to shiver involuntarily. She walks up and strokes the glass. The clone next to mine does the same. Something within me plummets. It shows - on the clone's face; its smile has blanked out, leaving an inhibited stare blinking away tears that do not belong to it. It eyes are empty, it has no emotion, it has no soul.  
  
Rei does not like seeing me like this - that was why she walked away, leaving me to watch the clones doing absolutely nothing in particular. Why don't you want to come back? Why did you have to die? Don't you love me? They won't answer me dammit! Do something! The clone bangs its fist against the glass...mimicking - it's taunting me. An insane thought flashes in my mind.  
  
A less insane one lingers - if he will not come back, and I don't know how to bring him back, then what is the point of keeping the clones here? There it is. The button on the corner - just like the one Ritsuko had pressed so long ago. The clones now, they are the same - except they look more apologetic than carelessly happy like Rei's Clones. I can't do it - I don't want - I didn't want to kill you. Why did you make me?  
  
Kensuke is human after all - he was concerned for me. He knew - and he kept it away from me. He thinks he knows - but he doesn't, he only knows the surface story. He thinks I recoiled in sheer horror when the LCL activated. He thinks I was filled with the deepest of hatreds when I registered whom they were. The truth is Kensuke, I didn't.  
  
Outside of the Geo-front, there stands a statue, a lasting reminder of my father's last act of love for me. It is also a reminder of my last act of any emotion towards my love. I found the statue after walking around the crater again. That was where I first met him, except it had changed - it had scared me.  
  
My father wanted the crater cleared and drained, with all debris to be destroyed. In an uncanny way, I was linked to that particular piece of wreckage - I pleaded with him to keep it, to do something but destroy it. I think he knew, I think he understood, something flashed behind the tinted glasses - he ordered for it to be moved. Now it stands it in one of our lakes, surrounded by eternal blue, so lonely, so heartbreakingly lonely. It will forever remind me of his betrayal, of my betrayal.  
  
//A/N - before I continue, please, anyone who had watched Evangelion Death and Rebirth, tell me it took you more than one viewing to realize that the thing Kaworu was sitting on had changed after he died! It took me one and a half and he won't let me live it doooooooowwwwwwwwwn!!!!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!\\  
  
I don't know why, but I couldn't help but release my sorrow onto him. He did not mind, he comforted me; he said that he loved me. I never felt such kindness before. I did not know how to react to the emotion running through my body. I promised myself that I would rather die than see him get hurt by the Final Angel.  
  
He broke my promise. He broke my trust. He betrayed me; he had left me to suffer the familiar pain once again. At least I thought so when I was ordered into pursuit after EVA 02. But now I doubt my reasoning...  
  
He had given me comfort, he had given me his trust, as I had given him mine. As I held him in my EVA's hand, I realized what was to come. Even as he faced my broken anger, he re-assured me, he had given me hope. I listened to him and betrayed him in the one motion.  
  
At that millisecond of destiny, he was not the Angel - he was human. I killed a person - a close person, when I vowed not to. That was when the unfamiliar pain intruded and wiped out every bit of warmth he had given me. Misato-san had not understood, and now Asuka doesn't either. Why did you make me do it???  
  
The figure has no head - it makes me cringe every time I see it. It brings back memories of the aftermath. It brings back nightmares from years before. I had to have therapy because...because I killed him in a way so cold that it reminds me of my father.  
  
I am my father - I live at his quarters now. It is always melancholy. At night, it is melancholy and magical at the same time. Sometimes, I think he is here - embracing me, pleading me to forgive him. But when I try to concentrate harder on the sensation, it goes away, leaving me empty once again. It makes me long even more for the sweet release of this harsh existence.  
  
Today was special, tonight is special, - it is your birthday.  
  
Happy birthday Kaworu. 


	2. obstacle

Kitty Kasumi - oh wow! You thought it was worth enough to read the next chapter! Isn't that so cool?  
  
  
  
  
  
Kasumi's Guardian Dragon - well it is *my* chapter...  
  
  
  
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I had to be killed - didn't you know? Don't cry for me anymore. I was sent to fulfill a mission, and I failed - both of them.  
  
The old men had used me in their scenario. They wished for me to create mankind's downfall. That was why I was born.  
  
Before I encountered you, you were nothing more than an obstacle in the way of my mission. But then I met you. Something within me woke up. Something within me made me fall in love with you. That was when you became the object of my affections.  
  
I felt your pain as though it was my own - I wanted it to stop. That was why third Impact had new meaning - it was going to erase your pain and sorrows. It was going to send you into Heaven. I wanted to thank you for making my life meaningful.  
  
But I failed. I wanted you to destroy me because if you had let me live then I would've been destroyed anyway. The men at SEELE had warned me about it. I would've been made to stand in front of your major and get shot. You would've been watching - I know. You would've stood there, powerless to stop her. I would've been able to look straight into your beautiful eyes and see the anguish within them. It would've been torture for both of us.  
  
I love you.  
  
Somehow, I think my death has caused you more pain than before. I have never stopped watching over you - never. I see you trying to escape from your existence. You know that you cannot though, because suicide is an unforgivable sin and therefore we can never be together again. That is why you wait. You wait for the moment when destiny is kind and allows for us to be together again - in death. Forever. I promise that I will never let any pain come to you. I promise that I will never let you go. I promise, I love you. But we will have to wait.  
  
Your smile is now so rare - those around you treasure it when they see it. Your laugh is even more elusive. This pain - I caused it. Guilt now surges through me more powerfully and more constantly than blood. Your eyes - they were a beautiful sapphire - are now hidden behind the very same glasses that hid your father from the world. They cloud over, forever denying anyone access into your soul.  
  
Life - and death - can be very cruel.  
  
Every night, I *do* come down and lie beside you. I wrap my arms around you and lose myself in those midnight blue eyes of yours. You ask for my forgiveness as I ask for yours - I forgave you ever since we met. But I pray that you do not perceive me. I pray that you ignore me, to overlook my presence.  
  
Every night I wrap my arms around someone who doesn't respond. I stare into eyes that look right through me. I speak to deaf ears. My love for you is unnoticed. It hurts, knowing that I am so close to you and at the same time we cannot be any more distant.  
  
Sometimes you do notice. I feel your soul lift its head out of its depression and stare into mine. I feel your body respond in doubt driven by certainty. I see your eyes trying to focus onto mine. It sends a wave of ecstasy, knowing that you respond to me.  
  
But the ecstasy lasts for a fleeting moment, as I am pulled back to my watching spot, unable to come down again. The warmth is gone as cold isolation sweeps through. My death taunts me, being an obstacle between our happiness. It hurts, it really does.  
  
You hide from your memories and it doesn't work - your heart won't let you. It won't let you forget that it's my birthday. You whisper in the darkness - and I want to whisper back.  
  
"I didn't want you to die." I didn't want to either. I run my fingers through your hair, even though you can't notice me, I want to comfort you.  
  
"I tried so hard to forget, now I want to hold on to my memories. Please forgive me for trying to erase you." I feel you relax under my embrace. You *responded* to my action, and yet I am still here, I am still allowed to be by your side. Of course I forgive you - if you could forgive me.  
  
"Why won't you come back to me?" I can't...because I'm not allowed to. My purpose was fulfilled - destiny had no more use for me. I'm sorry, my love. But I swear, we will be together again.  
  
"Promise?" Promise. Wait. Did you just ask me a question? My heart beats furiously with delight as I wrap my arms tightly around you. I promise.  
  
"I would've stopped her from shooting you, Kaworu. I wouldn't have let you died under her doing." I laugh as your love for me deepens with your revelation. You can't cuddle //A/N - such a cute word\\ me back - I am not solid. But I don't care. As long as you know that I am here - as long as you know that I love you.  
  
"Happy birthday," Despite the fact that I am dead; this is the most wonderful birthday ever. Silence reigns as you melt into my arms. I think I've fallen deeper in love with you - if it's possible. As you lift your eyes to meet mine, something happens. To my horror, a familiar feeling rushes through my body as I am returned to my watching spot up above.  
  
My death taunts me more furiously than ever before. It wants me to feel the pain that it causes. I feel it every time that I am separated from you like this. But tonight is different from the other times. Mixed within my sorrow, there is hope. Destiny will overcome the obstacle that death has created. That is because we create our own destiny.  
  
Shinji, I swear that we will be together again. As I look down, I see you discouraged, as you no longer feel my presence. You look up though, straight into my eyes, and utter the words that would fuel my hope for as long as it takes.  
  
"I love you. Aishiteiru, zotto koi."  
  
IN MEMORY OF THE LOVE BETWEEN SHINJI + KAWORU *** the light of hope that shows that there is eternal love in the dark Evangelion world  
  
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Kasumi's Guardian Dragon - for all you lucky jap literates out there, I know nothing about the last sentence in the *fic*! I have a slight inclination that it just means something like 'I love you forever my darling' #shrugs# I could always be wrong. Anyway, that was a little mushy (what on earth was she going on about 'angsty'?) so #sticks tongue out in disgust#  
  
Kitty Kasumi - #humph# here's a little astrological trivia for you Kaworu devotees out there. Since Kaworu was born on the 13th of September 2000, that makes him a Virgo by western signs and a Dragon by Chinese signs. But you probably knew that already.  
  
To be one of the lucky people who are the most compatible with Kaworu by western signs, you have to be either a fellow Virgo, a Capricorn, a Taurus, or a Gemini. To be compatible by Chinese signs, you have to be either a Snake or a Dragon. *But*, if you're really lucky, you could be a combination of both - like Shinji, who is a Snake *and* a Gemini - pure coincidence, we think not. We don't base our lives on this spiritual stuff, but it is a pretty nifty bit of argument against those who don't believe in the true Evangelion lovers. 


End file.
